A few months back, when I initially wanted to start this blog page I always wanted to make one about faith. And in those moments I was in the best place, or I thought I was, with God. But I don't know what it was that just had me spiral downwards and literally backtrack from the amazing progress I had made. Can you actually imagine I was reading my bible, praying every single day and not only was I trying my hardest to live by God's list, I was happy, momentarily. Over the past few days I've been watching Pastor Mike's Sermons in the series "Relationship Goals Reloaded". Now some of the things he has touched on from a godly perspective I've reached the surface of, from an educated perspective. Like for example remember when I said I told people to drop their expectations of me? In the rip up your list sermon Mike talks about the "formula of frustration" which is fabricated expectations + failed reality = feelings of frustration. The reason why I think an educated perspective only touches the surface is because you feel responsible for the impact of what a failed reality will do to others if they hold a high expectation of you. However from a spiritual perspective, the expectations you hold for yourself and have others hold for you without God are worthless as proved in Matthew 19:26. God's list and your list are very different. Do you know what’s so crazy? Almost a year since I wrote this and yet I still feel like I haven’t reached that place with God that I had before, and yes it’s on me most definitely but at least I acknowledge I haven’t made any progress.
I’m too inconsistent and I know it. I always had this inkling in me that eventually I’d get back there and then I’d finish this blog but I genuinely haven’t. I don’t want to baby myself either and tell myself that it’s okay because it genuinely isn’t. For me I feel guilty after sinning and asking God for forgiveness, I don’t like coming crawling back every time I need his help or his support, I don’t like feeling guilty. The way to eliminate guilt? Eliminate sin. I know it may sound bad but I genuinely have to weigh up whether I’m ready to give up some of my bad habits, but what I guess I have to learn is bad habits will always be there because they’re bad, eventually God won’t have his hand out for me anymore. But let me head back to this sentence: God’s list and your list are very different. Question is what’s on my list? These are in terms of long term things, things that will benefit me forever. If I’m being honest I just wanna find my somebody and fall off the face of the earth, not speak to people unless I have to, not meet people unless I have to, only necessities after that. I want recognition for my work, I’d like to see my hard work doesn’t actually go in vain, that people tune in every weekend and when I don’t post they notice. I’d like to know I’m not the only one pushing me to keep pushing. I want to earn academic success. Might seem mad I used the word “earn” but I get complacent very quickly and although all of it is still my personal ability I don’t ever want to take that for granted, low scores put me down but at the same time they make me work harder. I want stability. I want financial stability, mental stability, physical stability. I need stability. I want permanent peace now & forever. But in order to reach what’s on both his and my list, I need my wake up call. Reality is calling - Miriam.
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Is it just me who thinks I’m broken nearly all the time?
Recently, so as in the past year, everyone that I’ve met that I have interest in isn’t in that place in their life to be in a relationship. Obviously I’m not forcing someone because at the end of the day that’ll make for a worse relationship that the one intended. SIDE NOTE: when reading this blog understand that age isn’t in the question nor matter being discussed as males were fine being in relationships before and after me. Sometimes I wish everyone moved at the same pace so no one would miss anything you know? Because as much as we can be the same age depending on our backgrounds we could be in completely different places in life mentally and physically. I don’t know man, I just feel like if all people moved at the same pace then people like me wouldn’t be in a waiting stage when they’re very clearly ready to move forward. I also don’t know how many times I’ll scream I’m ready in this blog but I genuinely think I am. Personally I’m kind of used to being in relationships and so two whole years without being in one is really weird to me. There’s obviously the pros and cons to it but it essentially just feels like the midpoint until you’re 100%. I won’t lie though, I’ve learnt a lot in my midpoint and don’t regret having it but I also want the opportunity to apply that somewhere, to someone, in hope something will flourish. I always attract unserious males and I’m getting real tired of that. When I’m with someone I feel a specific type of safety that can’t be replicated by friends or sneaky links when I’m single you know? I also do not feel obliged to stay connected with people 24s because I’m not alone and I don’t need to? I feel like that may sound a little mean but if I'm being honest, as I’ve probably said before, everyone in your life has a purpose so why not put them to use? But you see when you have your person, they fulfil a lot of those roles you used multiple people for, crazy right. When you’re by yourself, if you don’t have the place holders of others, you’re really by yourself, if that makes any sense to you. You actually need to learn proper independence if you have no friends. To end this all, my constant disproving personality says the males I’m entertaining right now are also unserious - Miriam. |
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