I think a lot about how the people that surround you influence your music taste, now bear with me I’ll get to the point.
Me and 2 of my other friends used to do this thing during summer - at least once during the season - we’d get together and have a little picnic while playing each other tunes that we think none of us have heard. It might sound a little boring but actually for a person like me who lets music determine her mood it was very helpful in keeping me happy. For one it introduced me to new artists/songs but also kept a good vibe while we lit it up. I mentioned this because not all music my friends listen to is music that I’d be drawn to at a first glance but they’ve definitely opened me up to more and more genres but most importantly, their character. Open your playlist and I’ll tell what life you lead, or whatever they say. I think I understand people a lot more when I hear what kinds of artists they stream, even when I meet new people I get so excited to ask, “What kind of music do you listen to?” And yes, this also means I distance myself from characters that consist of a specific collection of artists because, well, bad vibes. Yet again though, some people’s music taste is deceiving, like characteristics. Someone can act one way and in actual fact have an ugly nature. I’ve picked up listening to French music a lot more after losing a relationship with someone I actually cared about and it’s a bittersweet feeling. I’m always asking myself why I didn’t listen sooner but simultaneously - even if they didn’t introduce me to a specific artist - I associate that genre with that person. Never stops me from streaming though, bun the intrusive thoughts. Recently I’ve also been listening to Reggae a lot more which is attached to a very very vulnerable part of my childhood and so I can honestly never neglect it. My personal favourite is Jah Cure, I know basically his entire discography and his music is nostalgic on another level. I know that when I listen to music it feels almost like a therapy session. Certain artists make me realise things about my current situations that I definitely couldn’t have been receptive to in conversations. For me a conversation always involves a rebuttal - agreeing or not - and so it never really forces me to just sit and be attentive. All in all, does music affect your relationships? It sure as hell affects mine, say you like an artist that I don’t and you’re already in my bad books. I mean how is it even possible to have bad musical takes? Music > Relationships - Miriam.
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I actually want to start by saying I know I am how I am for a reason and would genuinely only like to see how these changes would impact my life - both positively and negatively - but I’d never rid my true self of being for false pretences.
So, if you could change some things about yourself, where would you start? I think I would begin with my inner self first and see what it’s like to be happy all the time, no problems, nothing. To be honest I don’t think it’d be any different from the façade happy that I imitate but if it was, how different do you think it would be? But not only be happy though, I would never let myself face a mental health issue in my life. Let’s see how naïve and impressionable I become if I never knew inner adversity. For a fact I’d change my inability to withhold/hold back from urges. A lot of my actions are based on impulse, due to this a lot my actions are braced with instant regret - take for example right now, it’s valentine's day today and I made a terrible decision, I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life. I’d definitely change my ability to feel guilt, I don’t know about everyone else but when I wrong someone or do something I know I’ll regret - which usually always involves a third party - my regret, guilt, shame all overstay their welcome. To this day I don’t know how to exactly rid these feelings, so I’m just leaving that to God. I’d change my discretion ability when it comes to validation. Now this is not to say I’m a pick me - I sure as hell do not do things for other people’s attention - but sometimes I ask for a second opinion where it is not needed and then don’t when it is? Hope that’s an easy phrase to read. I’d alter the fact that I feel tired a lot, one of the reasons I see myself as less productive is because I spend A LOT of my time asleep - I learnt not too long ago about the psychological works with dreams and sleep, let me know if you want to hear about that in a blog. I think I’d also change music from being my crutch and when I say crutch I mean she’s not allowed to control anything from my emotions and moods to my actions. Trust me I’d never actually want to be without her, but I’d do it just because I want to know what my life would be like if I was less dependent on it and as a substitute, what I would depend on, I still doubt it’d be myself. Externally I don’t believe I’d change much but rather I think these internal changes would take such a big toll on my personality by nature, my external outlook would change. This was one of the shorter blogs but I can guess you learnt a lot about me here. I’ve got plenty of unfinished blogs, we need more than 24hrs in a day - Miriam. Now I just read over the first edition of this blog which was made just under 2 years ago, I actually find this so mad because for one, it does not feel that long ago and two, my opinions have changed slightly.
P.S. I’m not the biggest fan of writing blogs about males but even if I don’t speak to him in years to come I understand self-development because of him, and I won’t forget that. I want to start with the fact that I received any type of closure from this fling to begin with. I don’t believe at that point in time I deserved any closure from him - to be honest he was well within his depth to have left me alone forever, but I just didn’t want things not going my way, and that was selfish of me. I see that now I’m always thinking about how my life could negatively impact someone else before the positives. Even recently I implicated that skill with a different fling and that still went wrong - that’s a story for another day. This specific male is actually someone that I’m in contact with till today but we’ll get onto that a bit later. Anyway a while after me and him had our little fall out - I’m sure I’m allowed to patronise myself - I reached out and I thought he wasn’t going to reply. As I said before I didn’t deserve the second chance I got and honestly when my message went unread for a day? I really felt like it was the end. Fast forward, the first time I actually saw him was summer last year and in his company I acknowledged that my previous feelings of things not being quite over were indeed true. So was that even closure to begin with? With him though, I feel like I’m constantly on my toes but not necessarily in a good way. My inability to predict his next move makes me too self-conscious, I don’t know what his intentions are and so I’m essentially doing what I was doing in the beginning. What was I doing you may ask? Keeping him at a distance because I respect him but this simultaneously meant that he never moves from this distance. I don’t know what it is but if I can’t predict the actions of people I know it makes me uneasy. Predicting someone’s next move can always be risky and you may end up stitching yourself - which is what I had done initially. So yes, I do still talk to him till this day and possibly putting this out there may cause some serious evil eye, but from my forced distance I don’t know whether I’ll be emotionally available to mourn his departure, no matter the impact. Is closure really worth it? I couldn’t tell you because nothing really ended for me aside from my ignorance towards my ability to do wrong - even though that is still very rare. We reconciled indeed, see you Feb 14th - Miriam. |
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