I actually want to start by saying I know I am how I am for a reason and would genuinely only like to see how these changes would impact my life - both positively and negatively - but I’d never rid my true self of being for false pretences.
So, if you could change some things about yourself, where would you start? I think I would begin with my inner self first and see what it’s like to be happy all the time, no problems, nothing. To be honest I don’t think it’d be any different from the façade happy that I imitate but if it was, how different do you think it would be? But not only be happy though, I would never let myself face a mental health issue in my life. Let’s see how naïve and impressionable I become if I never knew inner adversity. For a fact I’d change my inability to withhold/hold back from urges. A lot of my actions are based on impulse, due to this a lot my actions are braced with instant regret - take for example right now, it’s valentine's day today and I made a terrible decision, I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life. I’d definitely change my ability to feel guilt, I don’t know about everyone else but when I wrong someone or do something I know I’ll regret - which usually always involves a third party - my regret, guilt, shame all overstay their welcome. To this day I don’t know how to exactly rid these feelings, so I’m just leaving that to God. I’d change my discretion ability when it comes to validation. Now this is not to say I’m a pick me - I sure as hell do not do things for other people’s attention - but sometimes I ask for a second opinion where it is not needed and then don’t when it is? Hope that’s an easy phrase to read. I’d alter the fact that I feel tired a lot, one of the reasons I see myself as less productive is because I spend A LOT of my time asleep - I learnt not too long ago about the psychological works with dreams and sleep, let me know if you want to hear about that in a blog. I think I’d also change music from being my crutch and when I say crutch I mean she’s not allowed to control anything from my emotions and moods to my actions. Trust me I’d never actually want to be without her, but I’d do it just because I want to know what my life would be like if I was less dependent on it and as a substitute, what I would depend on, I still doubt it’d be myself. Externally I don’t believe I’d change much but rather I think these internal changes would take such a big toll on my personality by nature, my external outlook would change. This was one of the shorter blogs but I can guess you learnt a lot about me here. I’ve got plenty of unfinished blogs, we need more than 24hrs in a day - Miriam.
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