Okay so, in the beginning I didn't even know I had to build a relationship with myself, I always thought I knew myself and that was enough.
During the first lockdown I suffered the most, I went through a slight depressive episode and developed anxiety. It was never really fear because I was never afraid, but rather I think it was shock that would give me panic attacks. Having a panic attack for me always feels like my world is crumbling from the inside out, I start breathing a lot heavier and faster, my vision becomes blurred and depending on where I am, my ability to hear changes. Sometimes voices are drowned out, or sometimes I can hear all sorts of things. Learning how to deal with this was another thing I had to do for myself to better myself. Compared to before I definitely don't have them as much because I've developed coping mechanisms or in some cases eliminated the "fear". But this is not to say that I don't have them every now and then. I don't know about other people but my physical outlook surely takes a toll on my mental health, so being in lockdown without being able to get my hair done and my skin looking really bad wasn't helpful at all. I kept telling myself to "wait on it" for the sake of sanity but day by day it got harder. Facing the same four walls, doing the same things day in day out was getting too repetitive. I think going through this made me more dependant on me because I for one didn't know whether my issues were serious or not, and I didn't want to face any judgement by whomever I told so, I kept it to myself. The trick was to actively work on whatever I was going through and not let them build up inside of me, that only creates more problems down the line. Therefore I kind of made it a mission to try not to burden other people with me and figure out myself on my own. Obviously this wasn't exactly the best decision to make because it made me quite closed off and I became an ignorant friend. This was one of the hardest things for me because I always try to be the friend people need to those around me, so when I can't provide? It's difficult. You feel like you're letting people down even though you weren't expected to do what you do in the first place, and this leads onto my next point. Due to this, I asked for people to lower their expectations of me, or just not have them at all. I set the bar high for myself purposely thinking I could attain that goal regardless of the situation. Though it came to a point where I was tired of going above and beyond for everyone but me. Even though I wanted to depend on me I didn't know how to, so I had to start exploring different ways of release. At the time I was also experiencing writer's block and none of my usual methods were working, so instead of focussing on a project, I made myself one. I wrote about me. I documented how I was feeling and tried to delve into maybe why, but overall it was a good source of release. Also kudos to me for making this so well written because it was easy to flip into a character perspective and put the writing to use, so much for writer's block. Another source of release for me was poetry, it played a big part in me getting my feelings across because it felt like a code. I was saying what needed to be said but it just couldn't be read by the naked eye. My love for poetry came from my love for music. It's because I've never really been one to song write or compose beats but I could string a few words together, and they always depicted what I was going through. I think once I rediscovered my love for music my whole view on life itself changed. Sometimes I undermine the power of music and what it can do for you. Rediscovering music is fun, but rediscovering one of your favourite artists? it's an experience you'll never forget. For me music isn't just a place I go to when I need to wind down, I get mesmerised by the creation and feel the need to recreate it because of how it makes me feel. These were things that really helped me get in touch with me, because I might've known these things about me before but I never really acted on them. Building on yourself only makes you more confident when you're surrounded by others. You have to keep in mind that I didn't plan to rediscover music or become an ignorant friend, I stumbled across it within my search of growth and learnt how to deal with my obstacles.
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My strongest flashbacks are hands down within dreams but that doesn’t mean I don’t have them elsewhere. Some events are not meant to be remembered, so wherever you went or were that day you intend on never visiting, at least for a while. Memories are very vivid which is why I try and steer clear of the bad ones, or turn them into good ones. It could be as small as releasing animosity between you and a person for a sense of peace. The other day I was in my corner shop going to pick up a drink, and as anyone does I have my go-to but I decided to switch it up, because I wanted to attach a different memory to that drink.
It's small things like that, that matter. Taking that step of initiative to create some element of difference in your life, without drastic change. Now, I am not saying that it's always good to do so because Lord knows I have dug some grudges deep in London, but rather I am just saying memories are powerful. This year I am being more careful with the types of memories I make, because I don't think there's enough places for me to avoid around here. When I create a memory I expect there to be emotions involved, whether feelings of joy, despair or even confusion, I expect there to be feelings. Just what I find mesmerising is how those emotions can be tugged on at any moment of recall. But you don't care right? I thought it didn't bother you anymore? Sometimes I think that emotions come back as a way to remind me of where I once was. Healing from an experience can overexcite me definitely, and I need a reminder to be humble. I used to think being humble was a face for everyone else, it was to make other people think that you're of their bracket to make them feel better; which looking back is by far a cruel way of looking at it, now I see it more as a way to keep yourself in check. I think that if you're not humble you become boastful and once you're boastful, you'll do anything to prove what, or who for that matter, you claim to be. The message of today would be to create some meaningful memories this year as we proceed through these unprecedented times - Miriam. |
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