A guilty conscience can kill a person.
So ask me why I keep secrets about the most damaging things? I’ve got no idea but I know exactly why. Me having no idea mostly links with the lack of understanding as to why I would do such things that have high consequences. But I keep the secrets to prevent any future tussle, hassle, argument, I avoid any type of problem where possible because at this stage in my life I could care less for any minor inconvenience - pretty sure I made a tweet about that a month back or so. But you’d think I deserve those reactions depending on the weight of my actions, either way selfishly, it’s better if I keep certain things to myself. Even before I continue I want to clarify that everyone is well within their right to keep secrets from A N Y O N E, don’t feel pressure to share anything about yourself if you’re not entirely comfortable. I think I’m in a place in my life where I’m very comfortable with the people I’ve got around me; I used to feel like this before but I feel much better now. I’ve always stuck by the ‘no new friends’ slogan but as I’ve started to lose some relationships - some by the way that took me forever to come to terms with - it’s still no new friends, but I can still be open to having some acquaintances. I used to have a friend who’s infatuated with the impression of a new aura, a new person and I never used to understand why she was constantly craving new relationships and I still don’t get it. My dad said to me the other day that ‘you won’t know how it is until you’ve been burned, once bitten twice shy’. I feel too cliché quoting this man but he does have a point; and that’s where an ounce of my sympathy goes out to her - when life hits you, it hits you hard. I say ‘I used to have a friend’ because I had made the decision to not surround myself with people that aren’t fulfilled by themselves that they search for it elsewhere. As I even typed that it sounded a lot like me but I think the difference is that my journey entails me alone and never the dragging down of other people. My learning curves are mine alone and with her it was never like that, it cost a lot to be a supportive friend as I would go over a rainbow for her but as she made apparent, she wouldn’t for me. Let your acquaintances always be the ones who provide you with the most fun with the least cost, and your close friends provide you with meaningful fun experiences. Yet you yourself need to provide yourself with an experience that you’ll cherish the most. A hobby that you’ll never give up because you know how much it means to you, no one else. I think it’s important to have things for yourself, even something small because, when you feel like you have nothing there’ll always be that one thing left for you. In my case we’re discussing music. I used to be in love with music, but now I’m obsessed. We’re in that toxic relationship where it could literally do anything to me and I’d still allow it into my life, because it does more good for me than bad. In my solemn, sad, angry, happy moments I can turn to music and she’ll be my friend to me before anything else and I think that’s the most beautiful thing about it. I think we can admit that sometimes people can be a bit tedious, and you never constantly need different or even similar auras around you. Rather be with something that you can love unconditionally. Art of loving - Miriam.
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Honestly I've realised that in my blogs recently especially I've been so vague with personal experiences. Obviously they're not all mine alone and so therefore to respect other people's privacy I'll vaguely detail, but aside from that I think I'm just scared.
You'd think for a person that sits down every week to talk about personal life progressions I'd become more open to sharing personal information, which I am but it's very selective information as I've noticed. For example topics like, sex, relationships, attaining goals and music obviously, I used to shy away from because I feared judgement and actually these are topics I feel strongly about. Yet now I’m so open to mature conversations about these topics and my own personal expression of my viewpoint because for one I don’t care about judgement but I’m also interested in considering other perspectives rather than rendering myself ignorant. Aside from talking about these things, topics like, death, friendship journeys, religion - heaven & hell especially - and traumatic childhood experiences are really ones that I only ever discuss on the surface, I see that I’m quite dismissive and like “yeah yeah but it is what it is let’s keep it pushing”. Honestly I don’t know why I usually put on a brave face. I think that everyone’s experiences, personal or not, are meant to be shared because your experience made you wiser, and wisdom is to be shared in order to benefit others. I feel like my entire life I‘ve been on go and less considerate of some of the unbelievable things I’ve been through. I was even told from the observation of someone else that I come across as very guarded and strong, which is definitely a depiction I wouldn’t use to describe myself. Fast forward probably two weeks after writing this, I have had more conversations with that particular person and I actually no longer agree with myself. I definitely do see the “strong, untouchable black girl” outlook that I portray, even my brother pointed it out to me when I had ‘finally’ done something wrong. But I think I’ve been acting like this because I always thought this is how all other females are. Like especially with all the females I look up to they seem to radiate that untouchable aura so it’s like, why can’t I have that too? It’s crazy that when I decide this is the kind of image I’d like to have there is someone patiently waiting for my downfall to make it just that little bit worse. I’m not just going to settle with the decision that everyone else is immature and I’m the only one with sense within the world, ‘cause well that’s just wrong. But I will settle with the idea that not everyone is able to pick up life lessons as quickly as me. An example even, I remember there was this situation that I was in during primary school and it led into this big scandal - when I say big scandal I mean my parents stopped me from going PGL and took my phone - but from then on I said to myself, whenever I come to make a decision I am going to think of all the possible BAD outcomes before I do it, after that it’s really on me. And since that event that thought process has always stuck with me because I hate being ridden with regret, it’s a terrible feeling. It’s cloudy all year round over these sides - Miriam. |
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