We all have friends and family, controlling one’s even, but I think it’s imperative to lay that line of discretion down of where and where not their opinions are appreciated/desired.
Protect & Preserve your energy. I say protect it because your energy is a very wholesome & vulnerable thing you can’t be fathomed by anything otherwise we might as well just be puppets. Preserving your energy is a very important thing, I think I even spoke about it in one of the poem I’d written a while back “It comes to a point where people question their background, something I’ve not yet found, honestly it’s quiet profound, I submit, as to what could I possibly miss?” I speak about questioning your background but that can be interpreted in many different ways. It's applicable here because often when you allow people’s opinions to corrupt your way of thinking you question your every move, is this career right? Should I do this instead? Should I quit everything? Questions upon questions - thanks Gino J - that’ll drive you crazy. Always trust your own inhibition. For example something else, when I was writing that poem I was entering it into a competition - the whole thing is genuinely beautiful - when I lost I let it get to me? And obviously I checked who DID win which made me question, what makes them better than me? Or am I just bad at this? Sometimes we do need to remember just because you don’t fit this person’s agenda, doesn’t mean you won’t fix the next man’s and even then, why don’t we start our own? I was actually speaking to one of my friends about this, he was detailing a situation in which he let someone get to him - it wasn’t the point of the story but I pulled up on it because as far as his career, he’s going to come across a lot of people like that and it’s important to know how to deal with that. In light of me telling him not to allow it, it happened to me. Once you let it happen once it subconsciously becomes a constant habit, now it may not happen purposely but if you let it slide once, what’s another time right? I never even thought I’d find myself guilty of letting this happen but for me there are definitely topics that count as vulnerabilities to me, and whilst I need to work on that I also think without instating boundaries people should be aware of when they’re crossing them. Be self aware for the purpose of yourself & others. Brain dump - Miriam.
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I used to love the idea of waking up to lots of messages, in fact it was my reality for a while. But as I’ve grown up and out of this popularity contest it feels like a ton of messages is a hassle & there’s a problem - it’s never just casual conversation anymore.
I like when people message me with purpose but at the same time I question why I don’t have casual conversations - and by casual I don’t mean small talk I just mean like a normal day to day conversation that you can actually engage in. A lot of people around me are still in their popularity phase but I’ve kind of disconnected from my world because I honestly really dislike people knowing me, like for example if you know me from my work - which I still struggle to talk about unless it’s someone in a similar stream - I’m not complaining because the internet is a public platform and I post my stuff there, its purpose is to be seen by people. But if you know me through a friend of a friend, just forget it you don’t know me or my business; as much as you may think you do, you don’t. Talking to people is so hit or miss these days, and my mood definitely factors into this too because my lights flicker on and off too easily; there is literally a small discretion between me being irritated and up for a conversation. So in that sense, I’d understand why people don’t necessarily want to talk to me, which also leads to my next point. I feel like socials detached itself from me, not the other way around. When I say socials I mean social media, my social battery, anything that really requires social interaction. I don’t really know how to explain why I think this but I know I didn’t make the conscious effort to detach myself. I like to be alone the majority of the time but when I actually feel my loneliness it’s kind of sad, because the act of acknowledging that you’re actually in this alone forever and ever, personally takes a lot more from me than I usually anticipate, so expect a few tears here and there. I usually anticipate because from time to time you have temporary people that enter you life and shake up your world a bit, but eventually everyone’s meant to “find their own way” which is a kind way of saying leave. I remember at the beginning of the year I placed goals & one of them was to use social media less. At first I felt like I haven’t really met it this year but actually in some ways I’ve met the goal because I no longer use socials in the same manner as before. In the instance of me doing childish things, posting things that aren’t relevant or trying so hard to be that popular girl I truly despise now, I definitely use social media differently. I said in my other blog that my snap is just basically my close friends, I’m not disputing the 500+ people I have on the app - I just don’t communicate with them. So really and truly how fast you tapped through my story is beyond me because there wasn’t a comment made when you went past. You really have to take other people’s existence with a pinch of salt because I know that I am capable of caring for the people that really do care for me, and that’s all I need. A pinch of pepper instead - Miriam. As time progressed, I’ve been getting busier as I said I wanted a couple of months back, I now realise that all I need to do is to stay organised in order not to get stressed and fall off track - literally not the sport. It’s normally the winter seasons that people dedicate to going the hardest they can - I genuinely don’t know what it is about the last quarter of the year but it’s always much harder and a time when people really showcase their skills.
Anyway aside from that I wanted to touch on the little pride series I have done, post those blogs being posted I have had a conversation with my superior and it genuinely made me realise that there’s no need for me to hold a grudge - I mean if you asked me I would say I wasn’t but I had somehow built some sort of resentment subsequent of that event. At least that conversation alone showed me that it’s important to have those difficult conversations that give you the upper hand, remove you from the equation or just provide you with understanding. Either way I digress, I hear a lot of content creators talk about their creation being their diary whether that being YouTube or Instagram being their visual diary or music artists writing diary entries for lyrics - so essentially their discography is a bunch of experiences and life stories. For me writing blogs, as I say to many people, is my outlet but that doesn’t mean I just write when I’m distressed or I feel as though something needs to be addressed. I genuinely come here for comfort. I like the way my blog page represents me and a couple of things that I have as hobbies and whatever. I always talk about having bigger plans for the website which I just can’t see through currently but that will never mean I stop releasing content. Rather just for the future I hope to have executed all the things I want for this because as much as I have consumers this is mainly for me. For the most part life hasn’t been so interesting but an update nonetheless. Come with me on my journey to success - Miriam. I’ve stopped telling men how I feel.
I think it only really affects me because I actually like to communicate and when there’s something on my chest I genuinely need to get it off, I hate having unsaid feelings but then I also don’t ever want it to seem like I’m begging it - never that, I’m much better than that. “It’s just that you need to see it from my perspective”. The guys don’t care bro, they do not c a r e. and there is no use trying to educate people because once there is a narrative, guys will run with it. Especially in “talking stages” or whatever the fuck you call what I see as being in limbo, I genuinely don’t want you to know that I’m affected by what you did this day or that day. I’m literally supposed to be the most gangsteritius city girl you will ever come across, so don’t activate my feelings. And it’s always those mysterious males: the guys that don’t post much only have highlights on insta - no posts. When they do post it’s their hobby/business bible quotes here & there face pics w face blurred??? I kid you not it’s this same criteria. I don’t know who told me these guys are my friends and that they’re the perfect type of people to seek closure from because they're not❤️. Initially I thought I stopped telling men how I feel to save myself but it literally only feels like I’m hurting myself and sometimes genuinely in situations like this, if he wanted to he would. The worst thing is the only reason why I realised this is because I was tempted to look for closure but to be honest no one owes me anything, and I’d prefer it to stay like that but + my dms be dry too, not full of empty promises. Recently I’ve been feeling quite drained and so today I made the conscious decision to delete Snapchat. Personally I use my account - especially as of recent - as a close friends but it just doesn’t suffice. Constantly having people talking about you just isn’t the one so I’d much rather remove myself from that environment completely. I always have to remind myself that people in general, girls and boys, aren’t of the same mental growth as I and so it feels like I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt to grow up when in actual fact, we’re just facing reality. These are the same people that you have to remind to apologise when they’ve done wrong, how to approach certain situations and basic human etiquette. Day by day it’s “Miriam, they aren’t like you - remember that”. My removal of snapchat isn’t permanent but it’s just so I can catch a break and learn how to be happy without the consent of a bunch of nonentities. There’s room for growth within us all - Miriam. |
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