So I’ve written about grief before but what about grieving someone who is alive? I’m in a down moment currently because I could’ve lost someone I was close with about a year ago - even most of the people closest to them don’t know - but I don’t know it kind of just put things into perspective. When people say life isn’t to be taken for granted I understand what they mean and I can’t even lie, I’ve always been saying I don’t know the experience of losing someone that’s genuinely close to me but this was close enough and God knows I don’t want to feel that pain. I’m just so glad that they’re alright.
Lately I feel like I’ve sat back and observed a lot of violence - like the situation I referenced in my last blog - but I guess I was living a simulation up until now because life hasn’t felt any realer. I mentioned grieving someone that's alive as I'm grieving due to their progression, I'm missing their old self. I know everyone grows and changes, believe me I am a living example, but I'd hate to advance in a way that causes dislike from the people around me. The most I'd like to do is make people proud, not to say I'm living for them if you're catching my drift. I feel like missing the old version of someone is a tad selfish but at the same time when it comes to them making detrimental life decisions? We are most definitely allowed. Coming back to this almost a week after starting this blog there have been some changes. I am most definitely not in a down mood - at least about that specific thing and here’s why. Previously I had mentioned how I was grieving a post someone, well how about grieving your perception of someone? It’s not how they act, how they used to act, or an attribute they contain yet it’s how in my head they SHOULD act. And yes, I’m grieving that. I think when you’re close to some sort of a milestone with a person, good or bad, you reminisce on all the good memories with said person and in doing this, you form this perception of them basically only ever being capable of being a good person. However interact with this person? And your whole viewpoint changes, not by will but by nature. What I’m saying is that because I felt the fear of losing someone close to me I mentally flicked though all the documented & undocumented moments with them that brought a smile to my face. Yet after the formalities, they just went back to being the prick they always were. Crazy hm. Anyways I just wanted to add this little piece to the blog because it’s showed me multiple ways you can grieve a person & some of the things we do to ourselves mentally, subconsciously. There’s ashes in the kitchen - Miriam.
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It's a bit of a short blog this week but either way I made it my mission to release some content, which is ironic due to today's topic.
I saw this concept somewhere, God knows because whenever I note down ideas for blogs I just do it so fast, and because I don’t remember the ideals attached to this I’ll just expand off of my own jurisdiction.When I see this phrase I see 2 things, creative + stamina & creative stamina. Let me explain my concepts, creative + stamina to me is constantly being able to produce content, backtobacktoback non-stop. When I think of it like this I for sure don’t have it, like for instance like the last couple of weeks or months, I’ve been pushing content - sometimes my heart isn’t in it but my mind always is - and so for now I can say I’ve exemplified creative + stamina, nothing seems too forced or unoriginal to the content I yearn to release every week. Yet it’s not always like this, sometimes life is really just giving plain Jane; I’ve got no concepts to explore, no new music that peaks my interest has been dropped and I’m just going with the flow - but I think these weeks really showcase my creative stamina as I guarantee in that bond time period I’ll drop amazing content, providing I’m motivated. My definition of creative stamina is the quality of my content resulting to my longevity in the creative scene. My longevity relies on how long I plan on pursuing this part of my life, currently it’s not a sustainable lifestyle but I do love talking about music and delving into the chemistry behind the creation, alongside analysing my own experience and understanding myself more than anything else. As much as me though my longevity also relies on the relevancy of content I produce but this doesn’t worry me too much because I’m constantly on about current affairs, new songs, modern politics, everything to do with change and up-skilling. Being brutally honest I love my content, there are so many ways I’d upgrade what I’m producing - but we just have a wrench stuck in the works to say the least - and eventually I will get there it’s just a slow process. I’ve written in previous blogs about being a creative & writer and detailed the struggles I face, some hardships I cause unto myself and others are a result of my environment. But I just think it shows volumes how in multiple career streams people turn their experiences and difficulties into something more productive. So creative stamina? I guess it’ll be a hit and miss for that one. Teach me how to write for everyone’s intrigue - Miriam. When your passion ain’t passionate for you, it’s frustrating as hell.
I have this one friend who has written their own destiny. I know we talk about this a lot, as in if you put in the work you will reap the rewards. But everyone takes into consideration that life also has a plan for you the way you have a plan for it, not him though. The way I see him is, no matter what it takes he will achieve what he wants to, and honestly being his friend is enough for me - constantly cheering him on and at the same time being brutally honest when things aren’t as they should, is a role I am entirely content with in his life - and I genuinely hope I’m able to take a little of this attribute from him. So do we have to force our passion to be passionate for us? Do we have to build a relationship with it like any ordinary person? I think it was chosen for this week to be so relaxed for me, not because I had nothing to do; trust me the work is piling up, but being able to sit back and observe everyone else for a week or so has actually put a couple of things into perspective. In myself at least I’ve noticed because I’m constantly on the go, communicating & networking, or actually being a student there’s not enough time to just sit with myself and gather my thoughts. At one point earlier I genuinely felt like I was going to break down because I was so overwhelmed, yet I haven’t taken on a fraction of what I normally do. I think this actually links into a topic that’s largely discussed especially within black history month. as people of colour constantly working much more harder than our peers because we are innately “unfortunate”. A crazy thing actually happened to my friend, not sure if I can even openly discuss it but vaguely - there was an altercation with the police and the police were evidently in the wrong, it was so heartbreaking but we thank God he’s fine. My initial thought when this was brought to my attention was why didn’t these guys call the police? What indeed happens when the police who are supposed to protect you are the ones hurting you? There was so much ignorance towards the matter, I just think it’s important that all people of colour understand that under the hands of the police we are all criminals waiting to be proven innocent. Boredom scares me. Not being productive scares me because it showcases stagnancy in my life and that’s not what I represent at all, not going to sit here and say I work 10X harder than anyone my age because I don’t think that’s true at all - I’ve just chosen to balance what I KNOW I can and I’m content with that. I’ll continue to balance my plate when things are changing. And through all that, I never sat up until Thursday to have a serious music session to wind down. This really and truly may have been the core of my brain telling me to shut down and so I genuinely need to remind myself that within everything there’s 2 things I can’t forget in this exact order, God and music. What an eventful week we’ve had - Miriam. I feel like I’m going to talk about a subject that is very touchy but yet also I am relating to my own experience, so I will not stand for being told I’m wrong when I’m sharing my own life. Do please be cautious with how you read this topic because nothing said is intended to be offensive or shame, or generally stir any types of confusion - now that we’ve gone over the politics, let’s talk.
Like personally I can live with my grudge/dislike, even though religion wise this isn’t the path to follow, but I just think about other people that aren’t as strong minded as me and therefore can’t or even don’t know how to deal with such a blatant difference. Also where I grew up, there was this whole fanaticism about males for a while - as young as we were and still are I want to say we were being influenced by social media and therefore felt the desire for boyfriends and all these things that come later in life, much earlier. So on top of being rushed into this, it felt as though I didn’t have much of a chance when in comparison to a mixed race female. At that point I didn’t understand blatant colourism so, I genuinely always felt like there was something wrong with me and as if no one would accept me as I am. It was definitely character building to say the least.
I’m not necessarily trying to dress, or look like everybody else in the room but we can’t deny that society hold us to a certain standard in order to fit the new “acceptable”. For example this is something I always have said, I believe that you need to learn how to master your base face before you begin to enhance your look. And I know anything thing said about makeup/no makeup quickly sounds like hate but this is not that at all. I just think I see a lot of females that have progressed quite fast at an early age and therefore they never knew what they really liked when they’re “barefaced”, so are constantly yearn for lashes, concealer - anything to touch up an insecurity. I only say this because sometimes we need to learn to work around or live with them, it’s not everything that we should edit and change just because we can; often it’s good to be content with our natural selves and not nit-pick at anything prominent or over-prominent. I don’t know whether this is my religious point of view speaking or just personal morals - sounds like a mix of the two - but I beyond doubt believe that you need to be accustomed to you in case you start looking like someone else. Aside from everything else, it’s a contingency plan.
(Mind my being vague but you should get the gist). I definitely taught myself a lot of things over the years, like there were so many conversations that just felt off-limits between me and my parents and so we never had them, but I had to learn some way. At the same time you know, I can’t blame them because it’s everyone’s first time; first time having a daughter, first time being a daughter and so everything was new to everyone. But I do know that for a long time when I was younger I did envy people that were lighter skinned than my self’s relationships with their parents. It could’ve just been the people that surrounded me - and not to say there weren’t flaws in their homes too - but it seemed like a very open and accepting environment between them all, which is one thing I could definitely say I missed out on. I had to learn how to be open and accepting to myself, so after any inconvenience it didn’t yet seem like the end of the world. I think I told you lot’s a bit too much - Miriam. Recently I’ve blocked a lot of negative energy people and to be honest my life has been at peace but I actually don’t think that’s the reason why. I’m in a place right now where I’m very selective of who I let into my space, and when I say who I’m not even talking about friendships I mean males. Being this way has also in a sense made it much easier to friend-zone and turn people down, I’m not giving them this reasoning - they all have their own individual excuses - but I also don’t feel like I’m letting down opportunities as I did before? Hope that makes sense, it just feels like I’m removing possible, if not already, stress. But I also think this is just because, as I said, people have their own individual and valid reasons so there’s no reason I should feel bad, because they weren’t ready for this position anyways. Before I used to think “if I finalise this there’s no going back” and I won’t lie I am a double backer, I’d rather go back to what I already know than to start afresh, but it’s actually okay to let go and ‘not progress’ in a sense. I don’t need to find somebody new to fill my time because I’ve gotten rid of someone else; I promise you getting under someone to get over someone doesn’t actually work, it may FEEL like it does but it doesn’t.
For example, currently I’m pondering over two situations, one is how I discern a way to express my distress in order to make progress, friends or not, it still is progression. And the other situation is actually me deciding whether to double back. Both of these require a conversation - the second being a bit more sensitive than the first - but equally I could just leave both situations alone. Yet that doesn’t sit right with me, does it? But when I do really think about it the conversation is literally only for my betterment. Neither of them care enough to approach me first but I just crave this closure and it’s proper annoying to be honest. Why do I need your validation to be at peace about us? Why can’t I just call a spade a spade? But you know the longer I go without letting people into my space the more careful I become with it, which is a good and a bad thing. I just feel myself becoming so much more cautious that I personally won’t let anyone in again, so even if ‘the right person’ finds me, I’ll be too scared to take in anything they say. I think I spoke about this in one of my earlier blogs about closure, it’s such a scam because it is a personal thing. But I’ve also realised recently that I’ve been yearning old flames bad, and I know within myself when I leave myself alone with my thoughts I only ever think about the good experiences with people, obviously if it’s a fresh detachment I’ll be disgusted by the slightest sight of them but give it time, a month or more and my mind will wander off to them. In the event where I’ve ridden so many relationships at once it’s unfair if I don’t allow myself to reminisce but Lord God lead me from the temptation of rekindling these, I’m so tired of unwanted stress. A path to personal peace - Miriam. |
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