I’m going into summer a tad clueless.
There’s obviously things I want to do and get down but simultaneously things reside on others and all in all I need money. I’m on this weird journey religiously, from an outside perspective I think it looks like I’m waiting for God to come to me but in actual fact I think I’m just trying to find the right time to go back to him. Even typing it out makes me now see how dumb this is because I hate when people do this to me; I don’t want to feel like I’m taking advantage of God. In one of my blogs I spoke about men’s audacity to just leave me & return whenever they felt suit, and I now see the pattern. Earlier I actually called on him and said “God I see what you’re doing for others, I know you may not think I’m watching but I am”, truthfully who is he to do something for me when I haven’t put the work in? I’ve feared this tangent I’m going on now and that’s why it’s been on a back burner for a while now. I do the prayers I have to in order for my day to go smoothly but aside from that there’s no meaningful conversations, that’s genuinely what I’m missing. I think religion has always been a difficult thing for me, I was watching lucifer - which is such a weird but relevant reference here - and this woman was talking about her not fearing doubt because doubt is what makes faith. I actually really enjoy the show, I think because I don’t see it as indulging in things to do with the devil rather I think it teaches me more about the bible. Obviously there are things that are exaggerated just for the show itself but deeper analysis creates an understanding and reality to surface level information. Basically God told us this story, but how would this look? Growing up as a Christian was the usual going to church every Sunday because I was told to and sitting through Sunday school because I was made to - nothing was ever left to chance, or in this case to me. I guess in some sense I am grateful for that experience because I can appreciate the act of going to church more especially after the pandemic. Through the majority of my life I was a Christian without knowing what it means or doing what is appropriate as a Christian. I was purely a Christian because that's what my parents were and I went to church. I think currently my efforts and determination to be a better Christian is what is keeping my faith alive but also why I feel guilty when I do things that God wouldn’t like. I am now a Christian because I see the meaning behind the faith, not because my parents made me. Faith is what you make it - Miriam.
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So recently I’ve encountered men believing it’s alright to leave me alone for a lump some amount of time and return whenever they feel it is right and expect everything to be rosy.
I don't understand this concept for two reasons: What makes you think I'm so available? Why do you have the audacity to message me? Like no for real, find shame. My first question actually makes me examine myself which honestly is not fair, I’m asking myself questions like, am I perceived to just be obsessed with them that they think they can always come back? You left, not me. Their audacity does shock me because it’s them showcasing they didn’t even consider how I would feel and how this affects me, their egotistical personalities radiate when it comes to ignorance. And further what’s not fair is I’m getting guilted to feel as if I’m wrong for moving on, like say my whole life was supposed to be on pause, for you? It just doesn’t make sense to me. I've been ignorant to it in the past because I’ve essentially become immune to this type of thing because of family, but that doesn’t make it any more okay. Like no, why do you have the audacity to message me? And striking up this small talk too????? I WAS DOING FINE BEFORE, BUT NOW YOU HAVE ME FUCKED UP. It may seem to them as I’m getting heated for no reason but in actual fact men are just really good and doing the things that annoy me the most. What’s actually funny was the other day I made a tweet about what one male said to me mid argument, but they’re the same type of people to message you couple days later on some I miss you shit, babe this doesn't avoid our problem xx In one of my older blogs I spoke about feminism and this actually links to it because if the roles were reversed, I as a female just wouldn’t try it. Maybe because of my pride, or because I’m forgiving but this just wouldn’t happen, why don’t I have the same power as men? All I ever feel like I’m doing is working to be accepted into society but why can’t society adapt for me instead? I’m living a soft life, which to me means no soft men. I am not accommodating your feelings because I come first, always. #nosoftmen,onlysoftlife - Miriam. |
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