I actually did one of these on my private story, but not of my life like the rest of these soft life yutes, of thewritingspace.
Aside from writing personally, I’ve had a 1/2 year - there was enjoyment of course, but the vibes were with people I don’t chat to anymore so in effect what kind of enjoyment is that? I think I’ve definitely learnt a lot about myself from myself this year, and I’ve now established where I need to go next in order to better that relationship with myself. Something I’ve definitely seen in me is that I’m a very unexpected expressive. Like sometimes I have the urge to have an opinion on any and everything that’s brought to me, others I’m quite nonchalant/don’t care with it. It has nothing to do with the substance of the information, it's literally just me. Wish I could tell you lots how I’m going to try and fix that, but I don’t know. I say I personally have had a so-so year because I see that I’ve been down very often over the past 12 months. The levels of sadness or depression were never really below surface level - until they were - but one thing I could say is that they were very consistent. I could never go a really long period of time with just being happy or content. So next year I think I am going to try and work on bracing myself for disappointment and unexpected downs, just to try and make my ups come faster. This year we made 1 year on the blog page and also 1 year with the ‘music of the week’ sector. I don’t say this to myself enough, quite frankly I don’t have a lot of people that say it to me either, but I am proud of myself for the barriers we’ve broken this year and want it ten fold next year! I started bigger projects and created a mostly balanced lifestyle when it came to producing writing and getting on with my personal life. I also felt like this year is when I entirely embodied the name ‘the writing space’ . It wasn't just books or blogs, I started to venture off more into poetry and other streams of writing that unfortunately I can’t talk about just yet. Something I’ve been doing since I can remember is writing goals for the upcoming year. Obviously because I was young they were trivial things but as I’ve grown older without this list I see that I lack direction. There’s never nothing to do. Now I don’t just sit on new year’s eve and try to create a list that’s semi-representative of all the things I want to accomplish. I take basically the entire month of December to allocate enough time to the aspiring of these goals. I really try not to rush it because I know for the most part, my achievement level and also the amount of incentive it takes for me to push drive. Because I know these things under every goal I attach details and little notes. Around quarterly I check this list and see if there are things I can tick off, or begin to implement. I definitely smile at the little things I’d written to myself as motivation. I try to set myself reasonable goals and then some goals that are slightly out of reach of that, just to get a start on it. I’d never beat myself up if I didn’t accomplish everything on the list, but I certainly would look at myself differently in the event that I didn’t achieve anything I desired previously. I think it’s a perfect way to get a gauge on the new year and to take that ‘jugg/hard work mindset’ from the last 4 months and continue on with it. I know it’s not just me that see that whenever we’re in the winter season everyone’s on their grind and I want that consistently throughout the year! This is a very selfish and self-aware blog and I can’t get enough of it. Happy new year in advance - Miriam.
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The thought of commitment is so frightening to me for numerous reasons, for example:
But to be fair I never put myself in the position to make that discretion, if it seems too difficult to explain I'll just keep it to myself but that only works for so long. The idea of bottling a lot up inside also scares me, because that means day by day you're awaiting a breakdown or some sort of release to let go of all that you harbour. I wrote that a year ago in June, at the time where I found myself explaining to a lot of people my perception of ‘if I'm not yours why should I burden you with something that I have a problem with?’ It seems crazy because obviously communication is key blah blah blah but I have seen one too many times females being embarrassed by sharing things with a man they’re pursuing and end up looking like a fool because ‘he’s not their boyfriend so he can do as he pleases’.
So yeah, I don’t want to harbour problems within myself yet I don’t want to overshare either. I think I struggle with that kind of communication, making it very distinct where we are as people - whether dating, friends, relationships - if you don’t do it why should I? Now this actually links back to something my boyfriend joked about earlier on this week, we were discussing Christmas and he had told me that he was buying gifts for his family, I asked him if he got me anything then he said ‘what do you want?’ and I said ‘I don’t really want anything, but you didn’t think of me?’ and he goes ‘well if I didn’t ask you would you’ve asked me? ‘Cause a man is supposed to provide everything and always make the first move innit?’ He jokes about it because when we weren’t actually together this was my mindset but now I really don’t care who does anything first, as long as it gets done. Now back to the actual topic, my transition was swift but felt a little like I was running. I think it happened at the correct time which is so ironic because I thought the easiest way to run from my issues was to keep to the streets so I would never have to burden someone with my burden. Not to say I still haven’t, I am not perfect and the one thing I attempted to avoid has been wracking my brain like crazy but it’s better that I just firm it and keep it pushing for now. Or is it? I’m doing this vague thing again so let me try and be more plain. For instance, there were bits of me that I wanted to work on/I was ashamed of and therefore I didn’t want to put that on my partner hence my decision to stay single. But I guess the right one caught me at a vulnerable time and swooped me up, but those things I feared sharing are still a burden to me. And so each day I go without sharing that with him I feel guiltier but, as I was trying to indicate before, being in this partnership will help better that, or at least put a bit of age on it so it feels like old news. I said it felt like I was running a bit because at that point I was tired of my own insecurities and honestly, wanted to have what I desired despite them. I call them insecurities when in actual fact they’re effects of something I’ve caused to happen consciously, so they’re more than that yet, still something I can’t change. Anyway that’s as transparent as I’ll be about that. For a long time all I’ve known is the streets, and we built a good relationship - well actually we’ll delve into that a little more later - to say the least. At most times from what I haven’t buried within my memory it genuinely felt good to be single, aside from the fact that I was still enduring relationship issues. There were so many points in my life where I’ve felt as if a specific situation was the last straw for me, only to return to the one place I forbade. It’s crazy actually, might be an addiction. I think one of the things I love about being single the most is how exhilarating it can be if you allow it to. There are some things you can’t do in a relationship obviously out of respect for your partner, but just also some things that you give up when you’re at that stage in life because you just want peace. But what’s a little HARMLESS ruckus every now and then? I have to accentuate the harmless idea because a lot of young people aren’t ready for peace and so ruckus to them means an issue for everyone and their mother. I mentioned that me and the streets built a good relationship but in actual fact it was very transactional. I speak more of God when I say depending on how I treated certain people, or encounters it would always come back to bite me - good or bad. I shed a lot of accountability when I thought that I wouldn’t be so daring of such actions if it wasn’t for a certain person but, if not for that encounter I definitely couldn’t see me being the woman I am today with my attitude towards relationships and people in general. I think that encounter was the domino for a lot of events in my life and sometimes I do wonder what life would be like if I had altered it to occur at a later stage. I feel like I haven’t been able to express this fully to anyone just because I don’t know how to articulate it very well but also because I know no one will understand me and my fears the way I do, unless we’ve had the same life experiences. I see we can’t be dependent on anybody's expertise except our own, I guess it’s just trial and error. Speaking from the heart - Miriam. This is a slightly shorter blog than what we’re used to but it’s mostly because I didn’t include everything that sums up a Christmas day in my house - I tried to embody it with a little nostalgia/reflection.
Christmas used to always be a very special occasion in my household, there are memories we’ve made on the 25th of December that I can never forget. All the family and friends would gather at my house, I’d see cousins I never knew I had and as much as I acted as if I hated it, it really was the highlight of every year. In one of my older blogs I touched on me and my brother having dance battles for money - because if there was any way I was going to be rich? It was winning those. But that doesn’t mean I won at any point though :( After a couple of years it wasn’t even about the money - ’cause I’m sure the uncles stopped throwing it - it became a tradition between me and my sibling that we had to have one just for old times sake. But since then Christmas has changed. I gradually spotted the change in Christmas when certain people weren’t showing up CONSISTENTLY, and then the criteria of the day would have to change because of their lack of presence. Maybe because we don’t want toys from Argos anymore so it’s just envelopes as presents. Maybe because a lot of the family don’t talk anymore. Maybe because everyone feels like we’ve grown out of the occasion. Maybe because a lot of us aren’t as strong in our faith anymore. Taking ourselves out of the equation, we’re here celebrating the birth of Jesus and Christianity in general but I think we’ve included ourselves so heavily that we forget the main purpose of the celebration in the first place. This year we’re preparing a meal for only a few of us and going to church on Sunday - mind you it’s been forever since I’ve stepped foot into a church so I’m trying my best to brace myself for the service. I was even talking to my friends about Christmas this week and they all agree that within their respective households it has never been the same, in comparison to when they were kids. I think the transition is very difficult but we all genuinely have to attempt to keep the families together for this occasion. I don’t want to keep you guys here for so long in your Christmas spirit, but when I look back on all the good memories that have risen out of this day I ask myself what it is that I can do to make next year at least a fraction of what it once was. As much as I selfishly want to have a good day I also want an enjoyable experience for everyone and anyone else. What are your Christmas plans? - Miriam Recently I’ve been making big moves but big moves always take long to see results. But in general do I feel like I’m behind everyone else? I hate comparisons between me & others knowing we’re entirely different lanes but sometimes I can’t help but feel behind in certain things. For example, things as little as hairstyles and staying updated with current trends - honestly sometimes I just can’t keep up, some hairstyles are just staple for me and I can’t let them go. To me it seems as if I don’t keep up with the times then I’m behind everyone else, no matter whatever I was busy doing. As I mentioned before, the big moves take time and when things aren’t happening at the pace I’d desire it is really depressing, in the event where you’ve applied for something and you wait 2 months just to receive a denial email is so destroying. In the instance that I’ve applied I would be receptive to a response because I’m eager to make those changes.
I hope you’re following. Take for another example, Google AdSense. Now guys if you’re reading this I promise this is no Google slander but the 3-4 week wait to get your site approved just for it to be denied? Now that is…character building. When there’s no school, or a break from education for me I always say to myself that it’s time to prioritise other things. Other things being blogs, books, short stories - anything writing really, yet in this period of me being focussed on my ‘business’ and things are moving at a gradual pace it is really frustrating. Hard work ≠ good results. I say that lightly because within the industry it’s almost a criteria that you need to have a certain number of years of experience under your belt before you’re taken seriously. Momentarily being dedicated is not even glanced at, buckling up for those 4 years of work experience as if it’s a 9-5. In my visual field I see slow progress as stagnation, it seems if there’s nothing happening at that current moment then we’re neither moving forwards or backwards, we’re stuck. And I hate teaching myself patience. The ventures I’m using as a distraction to other things are now also things I need distractions from - I need to be distracted in order to let the craft marinate and flourish, whether that be school or writing. This obviously is a no brainer, in order to gain any kinds of results I need to let this happen but can you guys just speed up please? And Google, accept my AdSense application, I’ve been applying for almost a year now. My lack of interest in others makes it easier to be a lot more patient when it comes to things that don’t concern me, however for myself? I need results now. This is not me confessing that I’m a bad friend, what I’m saying is that I just find it easier to exercise patience when it comes to other people. I’ve accepted that things are just always going to take longer than expected, I just pray the results are worth it. Neither complacency nor procrastination, I’m just tired of being disappointed - Miriam. There’s a possibility this’ll become a series, so if you enjoy it, do let me know.
Recently I’ve been studying about the death penalty, I’ve explored religious viewpoints & non-religious viewpoints on the use of this sanction. This topic, which actually shocks me, has piqued my interest because it’s so intriguing to watch the lives of offenders whilst incarcerated. I actually started watching this show on apple TV called “Truth Be Told”, I genuinely recommend it for anyone who’s interested in crime thrillers etc. I never actually knew it was based in San Quentin, a prison I’ve been looking at in America in depth. Besides the fictional aspects I think it’s a well-rounded representation of prison, it has a great storyline and the part “Poppy Parnell” was played brilliantly by Octavia Spencer. Once again I do recommend it but, going back to the main discussion, the death penalty. Now reading up on this I’ve come across something called, deontological justifications. This is basically the idea that executions are a morally “fitting” response to murderers’ horrible deeds. Under this there are two categories one being: Retributivist Justifications - the idea that punishment should equate to the severity of crime. This is somewhat supported by religious belief, specifically Christianity, as in the bible it says “an eye for an eye”. With this idea I have a few conflicting viewpoints. Firstly I believe that religious belief cannot be used to justify a governmental decision; realistically not all bodies of a government are either:
Secondly, I understand the argument of equating punishment to crime but, it can also be deemed as too lenient. The offender doesn’t necessarily suffer due to the precautions taken so that execution is a painless/smooth operation. This is obviously favourable when an offender isn’t really an offender rather wrongly accused, they shouldn’t have to suffer for a crime they didn’t commit. But it isn’t favourable when the victim’s family and many others have had to deal with the brutal loss of someone close to them. These ideas are all very subjective and circumstantial. Anyway, the second category is Purgative Justifications - the idea that the existence of exceptionally evil offenders morally stains society; keeping them in the world is essentially condoning but also taking responsibility for their violation of human dignity. Now with this I agree to the extent of the wrongly accused. I think it’s very important to continuously consider these people as beside association or bad luck, they have no involvement. Criminals are actually very interesting characters, I think with watching all these documentaries you realise that they are people just like anyone else and more often than not have reasons for their actions. A lot of criminals do it because they have no choice, or believe they’ve run out of options. I wouldn’t survive a day in prison - Miriam. Recently you guys saw me slow down on the publishing of my blogs on the website, this was mainly due to me trying to try harder in school and make that my main focus for a period of time. Where it is important I do designate my time equally and therefore sometimes have to sacrifice my hobbies. But recently writing has been becoming more work than a hobby, now I don’t mean this is in a way to say it’s tedious rather I’m actually just reaping what I sow. I’ve been writing since like 2015? And to only now be seeing some sort of income or possible revenue is wild to me. Either way I’m grateful and happy but that does mean I’ll have to adjust my life in a way I never have before when it comes to my priorities.
Earlier this week I watched this ted talk about this woman - bear with me because I do not remember her name nor the name of the video - who was detailing her journey becoming a writer and actually viewing herself as a writer. In this ted talk she discusses how it was mainly fear that resulted in self-stagnation; she realised it was only her that was getting in the way of her desires and goals. Sometimes we have to step aside to see the bigger picture, and for me I think listening to this amongst many other people who see this to be my end goal was quite inspiring. That doesn’t mean I’ll act on anything so irrationally just yet, but I’m building the stepping stones to make the advances she did at some point too. I mentioned before that writing was becoming work but the question is, do I fear it? I fear creating pieces I’m not proud of and rather it becomes about me doing it for the money. Currently that’s not the case, but that has slightly become my motivation. As I’m adding more ‘writing assignments’ to my plate, I need an ounce of encouragement to get me going, but not for one second does that mean I’ll publish unfinished work or work that I deem undesirable - ‘cause I mean if I don’t want her, who else will? I also fear writing about my passions. Here on my blog I can express my inner feelings and never be scared of judgement or misconception - it really is a safe space here - but writing something for a lot of people to read and comment on? It’s daunting. Now, do I like the idea of writing becoming work? Yes and no, I’m impartial about this because I do think that thinking of writing as a hobby puts much less stress on it than, say, a career. How I plan to make my income is most definitely not how I will be living for the rest of my life, but it’s a start. I even touched on it in one of my earlier blogs, “Writer’s Perspective”- to me this is a very industry conversation but I couldn’t not love writing. I’d love to be acknowledged for what I do and put my opinions out there in a format that isn’t necessarily explored by many people of my generation - writing is becoming one those things where, if it’s not social media I believe it’ll be dropped in years to come. One of the downsides are that it’d be something that I do all the time, and I know that sounds crazy but I hate feeling stuck or complacent when it comes to writing, it’s the worst stagnancy you could ever have as there’s only so much other people can do to help; really and truly it’s up to you to fix that funk. Talking about funk, I genuinely feel like I don’t get a break anymore. From losing friends, to having to deal with confrontation, to having to realise that not everyone is level headed all while still trying to build a name for myself, it's not fun at all. I think if I was to redo this year there’s a lot I would’ve changed but that doesn’t necessarily mean I have regrets, I’d just let situations pan out a lot smoother to prevent wasting time. If you can’t find a balance, that means the beam refutes you - Miriam. I’ve been talking a lot more recently, and I think that’s an idea we should explore.
When I say talking I don’t mean just speaking, I mean actually engaging in conversations and learning something that may conflict with my original viewpoint ‘cause let’s be real, I’m always going to have an opinion on something. But this refutes arguments entirely. I don’t know what it is but recently, if my viewpoint is not being understood I let it go, if going through with confrontation seems too tedious I let it go, if arguing genuinely seems pointless, guess what? I let it go. I don’t know how I trained myself to become a lot more careless but rather in a ‘care less’ manner if you’re following. When you separate and join the two words ‘care’ and ‘less’ there are two very different meanings. ‘Careless’ is used to describe lackadaisical mannerisms generally surrounding ideas about laziness. ‘Care less’ is used to describe the action of physically no longer having any emotional attachment to a situation or person, removing the caring aspect of the phenomenon. So when I say in a care less manner, I mean because after a couple minutes of back and forth, I become a lot less animated as I genuinely can’t be bothered to push an ‘agenda’ that isn’t being acknowledged at all. Besides that, back to the original point I have been having a lot of uncomfortable conversations that haven’t left the conversation spectrum and developed into an argument. Honestly I’m very proud of myself as that alone displays my emotional control but that never disputes passion. Passion represents the heat of exciting conversations yet nothing exceeds that as long as all parties are accepting conflicting viewpoints. Certain things may irk you, but that can easily be expressed in a non-aggressive way. The other day I actually had a conversation that would’ve been deemed as awkward or irking if it wasn’t this specific white boy. I mention his race because some of the topics we discussed catered around skin tone, sex, gender roles etc. But I think one thing he said to me that was quite laughable was, “[Miriam, a lot of the time when people say feminist shit I don't really pay attention but when it’s you I listen].” One thing I’ve learned in society is that you need to take other people’s speech with a pinch of salt, which is why this is laughable. The agenda could easily be switched to why does it only sound ‘bearable’ when I deliver it? Yet I think messages like so, or topics even, are always so forced down our throats it doesn’t leave any space for personal interpretation and incorporation. Rather you lose interest because someone is telling you this is how you HAVE to be in a certain type of environment. But we have free will right? It’s crazy when you actually think about it, how much control the government and different groups have over your speech alone. Anyway I don’t want this to turn into my conspiracy theories - unless you wanna know - so lemme wrap this up. Gonna go locate my ‘careless’ so I can relax for a bit - Miriam. |
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