I had to make the title very clear that this has nothing to do with the lgbt group, just my personal hamartia, I think.
I’ve got pride and so ask me to do something in a manner I don’t appreciate and I won’t do it. Ask me to put my pride aside for someone and the answer is no. If someone has wronged me you can’t just expect me to let that go, my pride says no. Tell me to do something I’d planned to do prior and boy, well that isn’t getting done any time soon. I described it as my personal hamartia because it genuinely does obstruct things that are good for me, occasionally. For example, I want to put myself forward for this position but the “people in power” are corrupt and I don’t feel comfortable leading below them? I hope that makes sense. Yet I also think that no one else deserves this position but me, so am I just doing it for the title? The influence these “people in power” have puts me off applying but I also just prefer not to take direct instruction from them. My pride is telling me a distance is better than the position itself, whereas the position will benefit me in the long run. I personally don’t believe I can have that much of an effect on the system to the point where I change people’s attitude. Maybe that’s a personal problem but also thinking like this will prevent me from having any future problematic interaction with them, just because we don’t see eye to eye. Even within my application form, that I am yet to send off, I spoke about the importance of humbling your superiority, it’s not everyone you come in contact with that you need to flash your title, it also comes with responsibility. It feels weird even telling that to a bunch of adults as they should already know that but as I’m proving, pride is a very powerful thing. Pride comes with its pros and cons because going back to my example, say this position wasn’t offering enough - or as much as I deem I deserve - due to pride I wouldn’t stoop to accept such an offer. Pride also sets an example for others after you, what you can tolerate is what others are expected to. It’s quite bizarre as then that just means everyone’s tolerance is at one level, which is never the case but it’s the way the hierarchy is. Sometimes I’m thankful for my pride and others I wish I would just let my guard down a little. It’s a working process - Miriam.
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I think my life is falling back into place again slowly, as you can see I’ve started blogging again - maybe because I’m angry or maybe because I like doing this I guess we’ll never know - I’m going to start working again and I’ve almost fallen back in love with music.
There was a period of time when I stopped checking for new releases, then I stopped updating my own personal playlists and then I just stopped listening. It’s even crazy for me to say this but like it actually happened, yet it wasn’t my lowest of low. I had definitely acknowledged that I was missing something but it was more than just music because I’d still felt that emptiness before music took its leave too. But I’ve experienced a detachment of music before and when it comes back it kind of just clicks, then it feels like it was never gone. Anyway I don’t mean to come off sad or grim, because we’re getting back into the flow slowly and I wanted to commemorate that, especially with exam season a couple of days away I genuinely wonder how I’ve got time for this. But yet I do, so let me run this mouth of mine. The thought of sitting exams is stressing us all, I just hope some of you lower the grade boundaries because I don’t have it in me to revise all this content x Seriously though, teachers and students subconsciously or even consciously - ‘cause I know that some of these lot were born pricks - putting your expectations on me doesn’t help. A compliment is cool and all, but let's stop there, for the betterment of us both. I am honestly hoping though that I get back into my groove with school again and push my grades up because right now they’re not pretty. I’m teaching myself the lesson of complacency. Quickly switching the subject I have a message for people that don’t have principles within their lives, you're a bum and you need to pick yourself up love. I’m personally experiencing the “you owe me money” sector of life and can I say, wow this isn’t fun. It’s not even necessarily about the money, it’s about the respect you have for me as a person. Now because you’re reluctant to pay I have to re-evaluate our whole friendship, because that is most definitely not my type of person. I just have shame personally, so I could never keep a person’s money longer than I intend to, does it not get embarrassing? Anyways that tie is dead until further notice. Shade or no shade? That is the question - Miriam. I am a feminist.
Not because I believe women are supreme but because inequality gets a rise out of me. Didn’t realise it till about last month but nonetheless, I am a feminist. I am a feminist because I like to challenge all stereotypical views about women. So I apologise if you as a man are bruised because I don’t live to your standards but quite frankly, I don’t care. It would bother me when women would be perceived differently for doing something a man can do with his eyes closed, but when it happened to me? That was a different game altogether. Hopefully I can get to a place in my life where I can tell this story in full but as of now vagueness and reflection is what we’ll deal with. I mean especially me personally, I don’t ever remember telling a man his opinion on my life was valued, I've never even said that to my father. But it’s just these unfounded SHARED opinions coming my way which I just personally don’t understand. If you’re coming to me with negativity take a million steps back. I’m not one who reacts well to my business being in people’s mouths but what really gets me is, the guys talking on you literally are the same as you, or even worse in some cases. But yet you have so much to say right? One thing I was told is that “not everyone thinks the same as me”, and it wasn’t until I was actually told this that I realised, they really don’t. So just because I take the initiative to respect someone else’s privacy I can’t expect other people to do the same. Especially this generation that feeds off of gossip because they don’t know how to have substantial conversations. WE ARE GROWING, START ACTING LIKE IT. With the way society is evolving and kids are becoming more knowledgeable at vulnerable ages, I’m expecting maturity to hit just as fast. I think this is quite amusing because the people I'm addressing also include my past self, and I can say this whole heartedly, I wasn’t getting anywhere with that “he said, she said” business ‘cause even bbc wouldn’t have signed me. For a fact, if your attitude towards life doesn’t change, those four walls that surround you won’t either. Anyway blogging has been my outlet for some time because I’m learning to dial down my reactions; my wrath is not one to want to experience - nowadays it takes a lot to get me fully mad anyways. I am a feminist. Not because I believe women are supreme but because inequality gets a rise out of me - Miriam. |
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