Music is my first love.
I think it's important that people know that because there's a bond that me and music have that no other person could even dream of matching, and I like it that way. The other day I was panicking slightly because I felt as though I may not be able to form bonds/relationships as quickly because music holds men at such a high bar for me. I know that's kind of crazy to say but when you think about it they're very alike. For example I expect music to never disappoint me and always heed to my emotions, an act men are capable of but I'm just yet to see. The male species aside, I get told a lot that I have a good ear for music and one of my friends even described me as a "music analyst" and it's stuck with me. They'll even ask me if I know this or that song and get frustrated at me as if I have a music encyclopaedia installed in my brain, sigh. Ever since I was a young kid music was a big thing for me. We used to have Christmas dance battles, and it wasn't even to my disappointment when I'd lose every time to my JLS wannabe brother, but it was the fact that I could share my top few songs for the year and actually enjoy them on a happy occasion like so. I realised that I do encode a lot of events by sound and music, like every experience within my life essentially has a theme song, and I don't hate it because it also broadens my music knowledge. I know every time I hear a song that I like, I make sure I will never lose it. But to answer the question, why am I very analytical about music? Music brings me peace and allows me to express any and every emotion. It is very supportive of how I feel and that's much more than actual people these days. One thing I definitely had to learn was to lean into my passion and not people. Yet I still bite my own hand about it because I don't ever want to be too invested in my craft that I become tapped out of reality entirely. Remind yourself to live a little. Music for me is an outlet, to let go of all things I'm confused about, not clarify them. I think once you have a connection to a certain artist and a specific type of music your appreciation for music expands because it's only then that oblivious people realise how much actually goes into creating sweet sound. Your favourite artist is not releasing this week, breathe - Miriam.
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I have a habit of writing down blog topics and then not writing any notes to go with it so bare with me, this would've been better a couple weeks ago when I had the idea. I believe though when it struck me, I was listening to 1942 by Odeal, and he had referred to Imposter Syndrome.
What is imposter syndrome exactly? The persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills, well that's what the dictionary says anyways. To me it speaks as not holding yourself accountable for your victories. The way I phrased it must seem a bit weird because the word "accountable" is normally used in a negative context but it only makes sense in my head that way because doubting yourself is a negative within itself. Now obviously when you conform to failure, or things don't go your way that is, it's "proof" that you weren't capable but in actual fact, once you mentally prepare yourself for failure you've already failed. For example, whenever I take a test no matter how much I prepare there's always that little bit of doubt within me and so I have this habit, this habit where after any test I practically take it as if I've failed already so I can move on. And boy do I move on. The thing is though, once the test comes back positive the doubt is still there. "I can't believe this", "No way I actually did this", "This was a fluke", they're all surprised negatives. I think I said in one of my last blogs 'Life As An Overthinker' that it's really important to live in the moment and that means to dwell in your victories. There's nothing wrong with planning for better in the future because that's seeing the glass half full yet, you can't see the glass half full for the betterment of other people. Let me rephrase that. Don't force yourself to be happy because someone else thinks you should be. If you're proud of yourself, which you should be at all times, you won't seek validation. Are you an Imposter? - Miriam. |
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