Now I just read over the first edition of this blog which was made just under 2 years ago, I actually find this so mad because for one, it does not feel that long ago and two, my opinions have changed slightly.
P.S. I’m not the biggest fan of writing blogs about males but even if I don’t speak to him in years to come I understand self-development because of him, and I won’t forget that. I want to start with the fact that I received any type of closure from this fling to begin with. I don’t believe at that point in time I deserved any closure from him - to be honest he was well within his depth to have left me alone forever, but I just didn’t want things not going my way, and that was selfish of me. I see that now I’m always thinking about how my life could negatively impact someone else before the positives. Even recently I implicated that skill with a different fling and that still went wrong - that’s a story for another day. This specific male is actually someone that I’m in contact with till today but we’ll get onto that a bit later. Anyway a while after me and him had our little fall out - I’m sure I’m allowed to patronise myself - I reached out and I thought he wasn’t going to reply. As I said before I didn’t deserve the second chance I got and honestly when my message went unread for a day? I really felt like it was the end. Fast forward, the first time I actually saw him was summer last year and in his company I acknowledged that my previous feelings of things not being quite over were indeed true. So was that even closure to begin with? With him though, I feel like I’m constantly on my toes but not necessarily in a good way. My inability to predict his next move makes me too self-conscious, I don’t know what his intentions are and so I’m essentially doing what I was doing in the beginning. What was I doing you may ask? Keeping him at a distance because I respect him but this simultaneously meant that he never moves from this distance. I don’t know what it is but if I can’t predict the actions of people I know it makes me uneasy. Predicting someone’s next move can always be risky and you may end up stitching yourself - which is what I had done initially. So yes, I do still talk to him till this day and possibly putting this out there may cause some serious evil eye, but from my forced distance I don’t know whether I’ll be emotionally available to mourn his departure, no matter the impact. Is closure really worth it? I couldn’t tell you because nothing really ended for me aside from my ignorance towards my ability to do wrong - even though that is still very rare. We reconciled indeed, see you Feb 14th - Miriam.
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