This blog may feel a little all over the place I tried to organise but just like writing books I’m a pantser so organisation only goes so far. GABZY’S CONCERT I want to start by talking about Gabzy’s concert, honestly it was the first concert that I’ve actually been to - trust me I’ve witnessed many from the comfort of my bedroom - and it was everything it was supposed to be. Knowing me I thought the rain would’ve messed with me and my mood but vibes were on top despite the weather. Gabzy looked like he was straight out of an Usher music video and I loved it. He brought Odeal, JayO and Melvitto - all artists that I stream regularly, so regular they give me a headache sometimes. I won’t lie for the internet so, when Odeal came out yes I did cry a little but hey, I was filled with adrenaline it was happy tears. I wish Odeal did more than one song, but I’ll take it either way, his concert is probably the next one I'll be attending. Honestly, some moments are to be cherished by experience only and I genuinely did that - there were points where the rain was pouring so hard I couldn’t even swipe on my phone to record, so I just stood and watched them perform the masterpieces that they’re so greatly known for. (If you want me to upload videos from the concert to “th3writingspace” Instagram just let me know) DEALING W DEATH & GRIEF IN MY GENERATION I think one of the things I’ve always had to learn early on is how to cope with hardships. I think it’s actually quite ironic that I experienced this, this year because it doesn’t feel like that long ago that I dropped the “grief” blog. On the 5th of May I lost my friend, and it was probably one of the most character building experiences ever. It taught me there’s many more to come, to be realistic with life but also enjoy it more. He was one of the friends that I always had beef with, I mean which one of his friends did he not beef? But I think the main thing was that everyone knew it was all love and all his criticisms came from a good place DEEP DEEP DEEP down, and that’s all that mattered. I felt more for the people that were closer to him than me - hearing his siblings and parents talk about their love for that boy broke my heart over and over again. Honestly, this isn’t an experience I would wish on my worst enemy. Sometimes just sitting next to his grave, having conversations in my head with him or sharing memories with my friends about him genuinely feels like he’s here with us, and when we laugh he does too. Rest in everlasting peace sweet boy, #LLR. DEALING W/ SITUATIONSHIPS One thing I find when scrolling through my blog page is that I do talk about the men in my life a lot - and I actually do hate to see it because I don’t want it to seem like that is the whole purpose of this page - but I just want it on the record that majority of the time when I sit down to blog it’s because I use it as an outlet. Like say for instance now the time is 03:11 AM on August 29th and I am resisting the urge of committing what I believe to be a grave mistake so I’ll tell you about it instead. It’s funny actually because I had this conversation with my brother just earlier today; we were talking about another relationship and I said “why is she so weak in the knees? STAND UP,” - and I mean with all due respect she does need to stand up but it’s much easier to say than do. My brother said back to me, “I’m sure you’ve been weak in the knees before,” and I said, “you only start feeling weak in the knees after 11pm,” and furthered to cackle like a witch, see God innit? I feel like going a full month - and I mean an entire 4 weeks - without talking to this man gave me more insight into his character than actually speaking to him (in both positive and negative ways), but it’s a shame he doesn’t have the same for me. Sometimes I wish I would be able to explain some of the coping mechanisms I’ve previously harboured; a possible coping mechanism that may have pushed him away after the last time we’d seen each other. He constantly shows me why I shouldn’t stay (honestly I’m just waiting for that “you don’t deserve me message” because I’d say the exact same thing back). I can act out on this gender but that doesn’t solve my problems either. I wrote this a couple days back actually, and because I was feeling this way I spoke to him. Not to tell him exactly how I felt or anything, just a message. We ended up on the phone speaking and wow, the switch finally clicked that said “Miriam, get the fuck outta this”.
Sometimes delusion is actually just that, delusion. DEALING W/ EMOTIONAL & MENTAL UNAVAILABILITY One of the issues I was referencing is this and because of me being this way I resort to a lot of short-lived pleasure. For example, I always used to enjoy the thrill of talking to new people and being “onto the next” no matter that it was the same questions, same giggles, same butterflies, just a different person. But when this process starts to become laborious you realise that it gets harder and harder to chase - and as a female should I even be chasing to begin with? Personally, I like the harder “ketch”. I’m into a man that is 100% not into me. So when I flip that percentage into my favour? It’s a win of course, but that’s when you get lazy with it. There’s no more chase. But now I am trying to change this, I’m no longer going out of my way to speak to people, keeping my energy sacred and to myself - I think I forgot that just because I’ve lived by ‘no new friends’ for so long also can mean no new men. It’s not by choice that I’m emotionally and mentally unavailable, but because I have devoted my mind and emotions many a time I just physically can’t do it anymore. DEALING W SOCIETAL COMMENTS As I have said before, I have seen a lot of growth in me over the recent months and dealing with what other people have to say is genuinely a hill I have had to climb. It’s all good to put up a façade that you don’t care, but when you’re honest with yourself you do. It took me a while to accomplish things that certain demographics have never done before or be in spaces that they couldn’t, but I have. And so when I realised that my “transfer market price” was higher than I anticipated, any fucks I gave before flew out the window. I’ll ask the people that have so much to say 2 questions: Can you achieve what I’ve achieved? Can you do it to a level that’s higher than mine? If you are already saying no the first then forget about the 2nd; it’s not about even competing when the people that dislike me probably are into entirely different fields than me, it’s more about being honest that not everything surrounds ego. Sometimes let your guard down because weirdly enough I’d be the first person to welcome you to reality. I think this blog to date is probably the most I’ve ever opened up on here so cherish my heart. Can you tell me in 5 points what you’ve learned the last 4 months? - Miriam.
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