One thing that’s kept me going for the past two weeks is me.
As much as I’m responsible for my hardship, I also kept myself sane through it. What’s funny is actually someone said to me that they can’t quite read me; “It seems as if you’re angry Miriam but also, you love it, you can’t get enough”. I laughed before and after this was said to me. It’s not because I’m entertaining something that I shouldn’t, rather it’s with happiness that I choose to cloak my emotions, no other state than joy. Think about it out of context here, don’t we all plaster a smile on our faces? But because I choose to do it with the ones I dislike, or I'm upset with the most that means you can’t read me? No, you could never read me to begin with. And it’s that same manipulative technique that makes you think that you’re drifting from characteristics you never actually owned. Or even, makes you feel like it’s bad to have a change of character. I hate being compared to someone I refuse to believe I have similar traits to. I’d rather change my own characteristics than be like a person I genuinely dislike. But I guess we need some sort of common ground for what will be a mutual dislike - If I don’t like you, you will hate me and I feel no way about that at all. Now the funniest thing out of ALL this is, thinking you can force a conversation out of me. That is an idea that will have me rolling in puddles of tears from laughter. This expectation bewilders me the most when it’s from someone that I have previously sought refuge in and now no longer do. But their judgement says for my wellbeing they need to talk to me, even if I don’t want to. It’s borderline being a good friend and/or begging it. Just because I am an open expressive doesn’t mean you choose when I’m openly expressive. Believe it or not, I’m very selective with the information I share with other people. It may seem like an accident but I promise you it wasn’t. So to have the audacity to tell me when you desire to hear from me and expect a response? whew, you’re better chopping it up with your reflection mate. Space is honestly the best thing you can have between two people with differing viewpoints or a simmering hatred. But some will just push and push until you reach breaking point, and that’s fine. Just be prepared to weather the storm - Miriam.
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